The Homosexuality Debate (A Parent's Perspective)
Our
story is not unlike that of many families who are dealing with the homosexuality
issue. We pray that by sharing this difficult time in our lives, it serves in some
way to broaden your own experience and that you are encouraged to continue in a positive
dialogue. We are the proud parents of three wonderful children; one of which, by
the grace of God, is gay. We have been married for over thirty years and are both
Ordained as Elders in the Presbyterian Church (USA). Our relationship with God has
been an important part of our lives for as long as either of us can remember.
The
Startling Realization:
One evening, after several months of prayer and
soul searching, our son was finally able to garner enough courage to tell us that
he was "gay." We were grossly unprepared to hear those words and although
we sought to reconfirm our love to him that evening, our words were more judgmental
than we would like to admit.
When a gay child comes out of the closet it is
not uncommon for their parents to go in. This was true in our case. The reason
for this behavior was primarily fear. Fear for our child's physical safety and fear
of rejection by the extended family and friends. This fear is debilitating and becomes
a serious obstacle within even the healthiest of families. Parents also deal with
a tremendous amount of guilt - Guilt because perhaps you failed as a parent -
Guilt because you were not there for them when they were emotionally abused by others
- And guilt because you were ignorant of their needs as they felt more and more
estranged from society.
There are at least two things that help many parents
to eventually come out of the closet. One is an increased knowledge of the realities
of homosexuality, which in turn breaks down stereotypes and biases. The second is
an inability to remain silent as you become increasingly aware of the rigid intolerance
many people have towards sexual minorities. It took more than two years before we
were prepared to share about our son with close friends and family. We are happy
to say that most of these people remain very supportive.
As we examined
our own unrealized prejudices we were also forced to reexamine our concept of Christianity.
It was the process of trying to understand our son's "choice" between
his faith and homosexuality, which helped us gain a deeper understanding of our relationship
with God. We learned how truly difficult it is to filter out cultural biases from
theology. As a result, our relationships with God, our son and longtime friends
have all grown stronger; but at the same time we found ourselves feeling estranged
from our home church.
The Difficult Road To Learning:
Initially we did not discuss the issue with our pastor since he had been verbally
critical of homosexuals from the pulpit; comparing them with alcoholics and deviants
of society. In the church library we found books that primarily addressed homosexuality
from a religious fundamentalist perspective. These books quoted surveys of prison
populations from the 1940s; the statistical validity of which is not even recognized
with today's collective body of knowledge. They told us that homosexuality was a
mental illness; that all gay people are promiscuous; that most come from non-functional
families and typically have a lack of religious training. But this stereotype did
not fit our family experience. It became obvious that we would have to continue
our search elsewhere if we were going to be able to relate to our son's experience.
So we began to study. We prayed. We read Scripture. We sought the wisdom of theologians
and scientists. We listened to the voices of tradition and of friends.
Our son helped us gain a connection with PFLAG (Parents Family & Friends of Lesbians
and Gays). This gave us the opportunity to better understand the homosexual point
of view. We were introduced to a community of people that we had previously ignored
but would soon come to love. We will always be grateful for the open, non-judgmental
discussions and the information that PFLAG helped us to gain.
Eventually
we did spend time with our pastor. Unfortunately this was not a positive experience
for us. Even though our pastor expressed his love for our family, he was unable
to relate to the profoundness of our situation. Perhaps the most important thing
that came from those meetings was the fact that he was able to put a significant
face from the congregation on the homosexual issue. It is particularly disheartening
to us that he continues to provide leadership in the campaign against inclusiveness
of homosexuals in our denomination. As the gap between us widened it became impossible
for us to give credence to his sermons; finally reaching a point were we could no
longer sense the Holy Spirit when entering the sanctuary of that church.
As we continued to investigate the issue of "choice," we learned there
is general agreement in the scientific community that sexuality is forged at an incredibly
early age; long before puberty. We also learned that the American Psychiatric Association
removed homosexuality from its list of abnormalities in 1973. These realities strongly
support the position that none of us actually "choose" our sexual orientation.
Our "choice" is whether to honor what is naturally us or to honor what
is natural to the majority of society. Can any of us, as heterosexuals, pinpoint
the time in our lives when we made the "choice" to be straight? Our son
put it in perspective for us when he said, "Why would I 'choose' a life of discrimination
and pain if I really had a 'choice'?"
Homosexuality is a many faceted
issue. False stereotypes and unwarranted prejudices make "coming out" (for
the individual and the family) an extremely painful and emotional process. As parents
we had an additional issue to deal with. After finding out that our child was gay;
we initially experienced an extreme disappointment that all the dreams and expectations
we had for him were gone; things like marriage, children and job opportunities.
As we challenged that belief we came to realize that the opportunity to have a committed
relationship, family, and employment worthy of his talents could still be a reality.
However, it would now take on a new dimension. The love and respect parents provide
is absolutely critical for any child to achieve their dreams.
We have learned
that hate crimes against people who are gay (or perceived to be) continue to rise.
A University of Washington study of 500 community college students reported to an
August 1998 American Psychological Association meeting that 10% of those surveyed
admitted to some level of abuse toward homosexual people and felt it was socially
acceptable to do so. Government statistics confirm that lesbian and gay youths are
two to six times more likely to attempt suicide and that they account for 30% of
completed suicides among teens today. One in four homosexual youths are kicked out
of their homes and are forced to live on the streets.
Theological Issues
From a Lay Perspective:
We have learned that mature Christians can and
do disagree on the Biblical position of homosexuality and can still remain faithful
to God. It is noteworthy that scholars from both perspectives ethically debate the
few texts referred to as condemning homosexuality. It seems unwise for us to accept
these few passages as "God's Position" on the subject when they are so
diversely interpreted. On the other hand, Jesus had a great deal to tell us about
how to treat people who are different from the majority. Because human beings in
whatever shape, form, race, or sexual orientation are made in the image of God: they
are always to be treated with love and respect.
John Robinson, in
his book Pilgrim Forebears, makes the point,
"God has yet more light
to break forth from his word." For example, the earlier confessions of our
faith did not explicitly draw the conclusion from scripture that women and men are
equal. The practice of their culture obscured their vision of this Biblical truth;
just as for so long the equality of people of all races have not been understood
and practiced. Changes in our world and the growth of our body of knowledge have
forced us to look again at scripture and understand more clearly the liberating direction
to which it points. The pattern of bringing our new problems to scripture is one
that every generation must follow.
Richard Wyatt (Executive, Rocky
Mountains synod, PCUSA) reminds us:
"At whatever theological or political
end of the table we are sitting - Jesus has (also) invited those of our opposites
to sit at the same table. We are to be united in more than just the invitation.
We are also united in the Great Commission … to tell the good news and make disciples.
But that is a lot harder than protecting our table against the 'enemy' on the other
side … And so we expend our energy and resources in fighting against one another,
siding with Satan to destroy Christ's community, instead of doing the evangelism
and witness a true faith demands."
Yet many of us are unable to tolerate
a liberal perspective. However, by definition, Christianity is a "liberal"
religion. Certainly Jesus was considered to be "liberal," as well as all
the other great reformers. Martin Luther's position on being "saved by grace"
directly opposed the Roman Catholic position of "good works" and was at
the very heart of the Protestant Reformation of four centuries ago. But as far-sighted
as Luther was, he was still confined by the limits of the existing base of knowledge
of his day. Copernicus had claimed that the sun, not the earth, was at the center
of the universe. Luther condemned Copernicus referencing Joshua 10:13 and saying;
"This fool wishes to reverse the entire science of astronomy."
The point here is that each generation, with the help of the Holy Spirit, must search
the pages of the Bible to answer the unique issues of its day. The beauty of the
Reformed faith is that we will always have differences of opinion as to what each
of us believe God's plan to be and we must remain in dialogue. One result of such
dialogue is that on Oct 31, 1999 (Reformation Sunday) Lutheran and Roman Catholic
officials came to full agreement on the doctrine that "grace alone," leads
to salvation. This does not mean that the two churches are ready to merge or agree
on all matters, but God has to be smiling at this kind of progress.
The
peace of the Holy Spirit came for us through reading the 9th chapter of John. Jesus
and the disciples come upon the man who was blind from birth. The disciples ask,
"who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" And Jesus
says, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the
work of God might be displayed in his life." Jesus places mud on the man's
eyes and tells him to go wash in the pool. The man obeys and gains his sight. It
is encouraging to us that here is a man who also is considered to be a sinner according
to the traditions of his day. But Jesus assures us that no one sinned but that the
man was born this way so the works of God would be made manifest in him.
It has been our experience that God doesn't always answer prayers the way we expect.
Sometimes we are refocused. We think back on two of our parents and two very close
friends. All had very different Christian walks and each served God marvelously
according to their talents. The other common thread between them was that each succumbed
to cancer. It is doubtful that any four people have every been prayed for harder
than these - Prayers that their bodies would be made whole again and for their pain
to subside. But God said no; reminding us He makes our spirit whole, our bodies
are only temporary. Similarly, our son prayed and we prayed, that his affliction
would be taken away. But God said no, I created you this way that my work might
be displayed in your life.
Our vision was refocused. We finally understood
that our son's affliction, and ours for that matter, was not that he is gay. The
affliction we suffered under was fear. As we were reminded that God created us and
truly loves us for who we are; the fear and guilt subsided. There was yet another
lesson in John chapter 9, which convicted us. In verse 18 we see a heated discussion
develop between the pharisees, the newly sighted man and his neighbors. An important
thing happens. Even under the fear of being put out of the synagogue, the parents
speak up on their son/s behalf. Those who are ashamed of the apparent infirmities
of others may take a reproof from these parents, who freely owned, "This is
our son, though he was born blind, and lived upon alms." Though they did not
understand all that had transpired, they were fully assured of it - Can we show any
less faith?
What Pastors And Church Leaders Need to Understand:
Even as long time leaders in our home church, we came to feel like outsiders, primarily
because the ruling leadership only allows a single conservative opinion to be voiced.
Think how much more difficult it must be for the less connected people. There are
more people in our congregations impacted than we realize. Statistics reveal that
one in four families has a gay member in the immediate or closely extended family.
Churches are not equipping families to appropriately work through the related issues.
Being made to feel unworthy and unwelcome, gays of all religious persuasions are
walking away from their denominations.
The gay community has been relegated
to a status of second class Christians (you can be in our church as long as you follow
a "straight" lifestyle, or as long as your actions do not make me uncomfortable).
The irony of the ordination debate is that we should be ordaining homosexuals, if
for no other reason, than because the vast majority of "straight" Christians
make no attempt to minister to the gay population.
If you are a church leader
who is not well informed about both sides of the homosexual issue, the guidance you
provide a family will most likely do far greater damage than good. We spent a great
deal of time investigating Ex-Gay Ministries (organizations that believe that homosexuality
is not part of God's plan for us). Typically these groups use a combination of prayer,
varying methods of persuasion, and reparative (conversion) therapy to change a person's
orientation. Although genuinely well intended, the impact of these ministries can
be devastating. There is no significant evidence that a person's sexual orientation
can be changed. Some participants in this experience are able to change their behavior
for varying lengths of time, but for many the aftermath of this conversion process
is horrifying.
The dropouts of these programs (who quite frequently enter
them as a last resort) are at extremely high risk of suicide; most likely from the
hopelessness and guilt forced on them during the treatment process. As a result
of the social stigmas placed on homosexual people, they are ten time more likely
to suffer from alcohol and or drug addiction. Gay youth are seven times more likely
than their peers to commit or attempt suicide. It is important to remember that
the American Psychological and American Psychiatric Associations long ago removed
homosexuality from their list of abnormalities. The APA of Washington State has
declared reparative therapy to be unethical for use with sexual orientation. The
American Academy of Pediatrics states that, "the psychosocial problems of gay
and lesbian adolescents are primarily the result of societal stigma, hostility, hatred
and isolation." The American Medical Association makes similar comments. We
thank God that we did not force our son into reparative therapy.
Families
newly caught up in the homosexuality issue are very fragile. If you are mentoring
with such a family it is critical that you maintain trust by holding in confidence
what they share with you (unless you receive their permission otherwise). In our
case that confidence was violated by our pastor and even though we have forgiven
the specific indiscretion; this is not a person we will soon confide in again. The
information that was shared rapidly moved along to second and third parties. Now
we have unnecessarily strained relationships with all three.
Today's great
debates within most mainline denominations center on the status and rights of homosexual
people in the church. The church has absolutely focused on the wrong issue. The
issue we should be spending our time on is how to minister to the homosexual community.
If you sincerely want to minister here you will need to make a choice whether you
are trying to bring people to a relationship with Christ or trying to convert them
to a straight lifestyle. If the later is part of your goal, it will be quickly obvious
to the recipient. In general, mainline denominations have lost credibility with
the gay community. Too many high profile ministers continue to provide fuel to the
bigots of this world by condemning homosexuals from the pulpit. A ministry to gay
people can not be successful until trust is regained. There are many stereotypes
and a lot of false information to overcome before a congregation will truly be capable
of being open and accepting of the gay community. This experience will take the
congregation through many of the same stumbling blocks, emotions and pain that gay
persons and their families experience.
A person's concept of theology has
a great deal to do with how they view the Bible. There was a time in the Presbyterian
Church where we used the Bible to justify the oppression of African Americans, the
subordination of women and the exclusion of divorced and remarried persons from church
leadership. But we are longer there. Dr. Jack Rogers, Professor of Theology at
San Francisco Theological Seminary, reminds us of the theological resurgence that
took place in the 1940s; which refocused our thinking.
"Instead of
viewing the Bible as a collection of inerrant facts, the new theology affirmed that,
'the very human Bible was the record of the very real encounter of God with people."
It attempted to correct the legalistic and literalist fundamentalism of the 19th
century and replace it with an understanding of the totality of the life and teaching
of Jesus Christ. Through the illumination of the Holy Spirit we have come to view
those passages used to subordinate these groups of people, not to be in keeping with
the larger context which includes the awareness of the cultural limitations of people
in biblical times nor did they include the perspective of Jesus who said the whole
law was summed up in the dual commandments of love God and love your neighbor."
Why are we having so much trouble applying the same biblical concepts to the current
debate? Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. categorized such behavior with this comment:
"The church at times has preserved that which is immoral and unethical. Called
to combat social evils, it has remained silent behind stained-glass windows, an echo
rather than a voice, a taillight behind the supreme court rather than a headlight
guiding men progressively and decisively to higher levels of understanding."
Where
Are We Today ?
Certainly we would agree that heterosexuality is the
societal norm. We do not claim to fully understand the physiology and psychology
behind homosexuality and we have difficulty relating to the orientation. But our
understanding is filtered through the glasses of white, middle class, heterosexual,
American parents and it does not necessarily follow that homosexuality is not part
of God's worldly plan. It is incredible to realize that there is more information
available in a single Sunday addition of the New York Times than there was in an
entire lifetime 400 years ago. Science makes new discoveries every day and will
no doubt make sense of the homosexual mystery long before the theologians ever come
to agreement.
Generalized, degrading statements from the pulpit are significant
factors that place the safety of the gay population at risk for their lives. It
exploits stereotypes and generates unfounded fears like many hold about all homosexuals
being child molesters; when, in fact, statistics tell us that the overwhelming majority
of child molesters are actually white, male heterosexuals. When we speak about homosexuality
we are speaking of people who are homosexual. The word is an adjective that only
describes a very small part of who they are. They are brothers, sisters, friends,
children, next door neighbors, fellow church members and people with whom we work.
We are devastated by the murders, like that of Mathew Shepard (the young gay man
who was tied to a fence near Laramie, Wyoming and beat to death in October of 1998).
The Rt. Rev Steven Charlston (Chaplain of Trinity College) believes that silence
is what killed Mathew Shepard. "The silence of Christians who know that our
scriptures on homosexuality are few and murky in interpretation and far outweighed
by the words of a Savior whose only comments on human relationships were to call
us to never judge but only to love."
It challenges us to think that
the holocaust in Europe probably did not happen because there were too many Adolf
Hitlers, but more likely happened because there were not enough Oskar Schindlers."
Each of us must speak out for those who do not have a voice. We will continue to
examine our own prejudices and challenge stereotypes where ever we find them. We
will work for a church that seeks to include rather than exclude those who do not
fit the common mold.
We do not claim to have all the answers. No doubt
God will continue to reveal to us in ways we currently do not understand. While
we struggle daily with the internal conflicts within the greater church, we have
found ourselves blessed - Blessed by our son's faith in God - Blessed because God
continues to walk with us through all the confusion - And blessed because we have
been challenged to a deeper understanding of our faith. A wise person told us, "Life
is change, but growth is optional." When it comes to growth, all of us have
a "choice."
Russ & Anita Calhoun
Elders, Presbyterian
Church (USA)
e-mail (anitac@harbornet.com or russellc@harbornet.com)